there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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