i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
