i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
