We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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