The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
