Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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