Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Randomize
