By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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