so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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