I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
