I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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