Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(818): View more from California

dude, i look like john mccains neck right now

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(518): View more from New York

you're out of your mind

(518): View more from New York

you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear

(518): View more from New York

it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence

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(740): View more from Ohio

hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.

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(914): View more from New York

The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.

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(626): View more from California

You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin

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(615): View more from Tennessee

That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.

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