There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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