Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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