Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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