Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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