Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
