I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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