I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
