I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
