I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
