you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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