hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
