Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
