OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
