so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
