I must be too annoying 4 u.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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