Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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