You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize