I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
