When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
