shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
