I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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