Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
