You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
