Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
