Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
