I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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