My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
