i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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