Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
