Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize