Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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