What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize