Your face is a jimmy john
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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