Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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