Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize