If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
