I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I still have a little drunk in my system
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
