i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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