Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
