I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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