You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
