So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
