im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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