this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
