I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize