Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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