***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
