I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
