Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
