I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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