I think I died a long time ago.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
