You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
