What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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