Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
