Me. At least after what I've been through.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
